Angel Food Cake

I wanted to love you.  Whip cream? Strawberries?  You had the potential to be a great cake.  But you’re not. You’re an awful cake. You tricked me in the summer of ’97 when I was a small child.  I bit into you with all the confidence in the world only to be ridiculously disappointed and horrified. You stink Angel food cake!  Your biggest flaw is that damn texture; it’s atrocious.  I’ve come to realize that AFC is a low-fat cake, and THERE’s your red flag.  That’s like walking into KFC and asking for a low-fat Double-Down sandwich.  It’s preposterous!! 

Pound Cake

I’m not saying I don’t enjoy the taste of pound cake; it just shouldn’t be considered cake!  Pound cake, you’re glorified bread and you know it! Think about it, the only difference between Banana cake and Banana bread is that rectangular loaf format.  Pound cake is a frickin’ brick! Another red flag is that pound cake has never had a designated frosting; you might as well be a lousy muffin!

Pancake

I love pancakes.  But come on, you’re not real cake.  The jig is up. You’re not sweet, you don’t work well with frosting, and if you were real cake, you certainly wouldn’t be served at breakfast.  You’re not cake.

No-Bake Cheesecake

This one was a huge upset.  I wanted to believe that a no bake cheesecake could be just as good if not, better than a regular cheesecake.  But this… this is just flour slime with a raspberry on the side for dramatic effect.  This isn’t cake, it’s pudding.  No, it’s not even pudding, it’s poison.  The worst part about this cake is that it looks so promising, so you trick yourself into tasting it, then once the gagging stops, you try it again thinking maybe it was your taste buds that were off the first time.  This cheese goo is gross! Feed it to babies cuz they love goo and wont complain!

Tiramisu

Ewww.  Tiramisu looks like a disgruntled cake.  It looks like they put a real cake in tupperware and handed it to a baby to toss around.  The frosting is all puffed up and weird and I think it’s made with flour. You can’t make frosting with flour!!  I know a lot of people like Tiramisu so I can’t completely hate on it, but still, it’s always so jiggly like jello when its put down in front of me. No thanks!